Monday, February 27, 2012
So recently, I realized my years of attraction to women was real. Even though I had been married for almost a quarter of a century,to a man. Really it was about me simply being gay.
I have spent many years, taking care of my soon to be ex-husband, my son, my family, but I was ignoring myself how lonely I felt. How for quite a few years, I had become roommates, with my soon to be ex. Roommates that cared about the outcome of each other. We went to counseling, then to a lovely mediator, so we could do this divorce fairly, it wasn't about screwing each other over, we've been friends forever.
It was about us turning out good, and happy, and moving on with our life. I do entertain family fantasies, of the future where we attend the holidays at my son's place, well someday when he has one, it will be comfortable and relaxed, as it is now, and he'll be proud of us, not dreading us or planning how he needs to do two Christmases because his parents are yelling twits, and can't be in the same room together.
So with that said, I moved out, found a place to lease, it's perfect for one person, and has recently become perfect for two, now that my girlfriend, has moved in.
Okay so now you are saying, "hey hold up,you just figured this out and now you are u hauling it, you're such a lesbian," i know such a cliche, but I'm very okay with that.
Last summer, when all this exploded in my brain, and I realized, I needed to act on these feelings, instead of repressing them some more, like I had been doing for years. It was a scary step, as I was deciding things for myself, it was also this huge relief, as I wasn't repressing or deferring, I was trying to be present in my own life, as opposed to how I used to operate on the "someday i will" theory of living.
So now it's 5 months later, and I am good, proud, and living, I'm paying my bills, I'm still figuring out the daily routine of my life but that's neither scary, it is sometimes challenging, but mostly it's just unknown, and open. I miss my son daily,but he's an adult, and lives close, and we text, talk and see each other weekly,I'm still figuring out how to evolve as a parent, when I'm not daily present.
I miss the cats, and our goofy dog, no pets on the lease, but they live 4 miles down the road, and that isn't that far away.The dog sees it as a way to get more dog biscuits, when I visit.
I watched my soon to be ex husband, and my son celebrate the holidays,in their house where I used to live, and it is clean, maintained, and was decorated, as we usually did for the holidays, which was a happy relief.
I also had a great holiday, shared it with my girlfriend, as she became part of my family and it's celebration, though our Christmas tree dropped needles like a monsoon pine needle flood, it was a grand tree.
So all in all, day by day, this is good, and I look toward moving forward,on this "being true to myself" adventure.